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Monday, August 29th, 2005
10:33 am - Sigh
I have been at work a half an hour, and Robert (my supervisor)is already literally screaming at me. The only thing that I can think of is that he feels that I should automatically know every company policy. This is going to be a long week.

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Wednesday, August 17th, 2005
9:36 pm - I know what you are doing...
You're scrolling....scroll scroll scroll.

current mood: giddy

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Friday, August 5th, 2005
7:33 am - Dedication?
Well, I got to work today at 7am. Mind you, I don't have to be to work till 8am, and yet for some unknown reason, I was drawn to come to work early today. I did find myself finishing up a support call from yesterday which involved replacing this guy's computer because the hard drive started taking a shit. I also found myself searching the bone yard (our graveyard of old computer systems) searching for something that I could raid and slap together for my grandparents, seeing that the laptop that I setup for them has now taken a crap as well.

Either this is a sign of dedication or pure insanity?

On a lighter note, I "borrowed" some memory from work yesterday for my Mac Mini. I promptly went out after work, heading to Ho-Depot to purchase the required tools to install said memory: 2 thin putty knives. I brought them home, along with a USB hub which I purchased at Best Buy, and promptly starting carefully dissecting my Mini. I was nervous as hell, but I managed to pop the case open and the memory is now running. My mini is running like a champ.

current mood: accomplished

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Wednesday, August 3rd, 2005
9:41 pm - Will work for memory
My mac mini needs more memory. I will work for memory. MEMORY!!!!!

current mood: determined

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Monday, July 11th, 2005
8:34 am - Update
I seem to have been living under a rock these past few months, so I figured I’d give everyone a little update on the goings on that is my life as we know it, here and now. Perhaps, here in the future, I will try to be more out in the open and not crawl back under my rock. We shall see.

For those of you who haven’t been in direct contact with me as of late, I am currently living in Miami, Florida. I moved here back in April, very much on a whim, for several reasons.

The main reason for my leaving was to get away from my family. Yeah, I know they are my family and all, but when I am threatened to be tied up and locked in the house by them, I definitely think it is time to “exit, stage right”. They have since changed the locks on the house, although we are still in contact with each other. I am not sad to be 3500 miles away from the madness that they call their lives.

The second reason for my leap into another land we call Florida, was to be with Lisa. Our time together was very short lived, but we have both come to the consensus, that my move to Florida was still a very good thing, even though her and I didn’t work out relationship wise. We are still friends and find ourselves helping one another out from time to time, which is nice. We do still have our spats, but I think all people have their spats in life. Just part of the animal in us, I suppose.

The third reason for my move was in hopes of finding work. I’d looked on and off again over the past few years, been on countless interviews, but I was unable to find anything that closely resembled a full-time job, hell even a part time job. The first week and a half of my being here, I landed a temp job doing scud work for a real estate development firm. The people at this firm were fabulous, they took me under their wing, and gave me enormous encouragement to strive to make it here. Soon after starting with them, I landed a job at Best Buy, working full-time with the Geek Squad department, diagnosing and fixing computer systems all day. Just as soon as I started there, the Miami Herald started an interview process with me. I took a job with the Herald on the 27th of June, and I am very happy with were I am at right now. I am finally doing what I want to do, and it makes me so thrilled to finally be able to make money again, good money, and be able to get by month to month and not sweat how the bills are going to get paid, like I have so many other times in the past.

I have a small efficiency/studio that I am renting from this guy. It’s a small studio duplex located in his backyard. The guy is an ass, but at least it’s a roof over my head. I’m currently working on getting a truck again. I hope to be able to get one in the next week or two, and with that I can cut down on my need to commute via bus/train everywhere I go. I do not own many possessions, but I like it that way, and all in all, I am very happy with life.

I have my eye on a lovely girl back in CA, and I am hoping that we did hit it off as well as we seem to have thus far. Things are definitely looking quite promising and she does bring a big smile to my face.

Well, that’s about it. All be it brief, things are quite well, and I am happy.

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Friday, July 8th, 2005
12:51 pm - A bump in the (?)...
I managed to do something quite clumsy this morning, while in the bathroom. Standing there, going over some finishing touches with the morning grooming ritual, I bent down, and briefly forgot just how small my bathroom is. I managed to smack my head, quite hard, on the edge of the bathroom sink. Perhaps it was the early hour, and not being awake quite yet, or perhaps a brief lapse in judgment, but it was not a great way to be introduced to the morning.

The strange part about the whole meeting of the minds (my mind versus the counter), is the fact that I forgot about hitting my head at all. It wasn’t until I moseyed to the restroom, earlier this afternoon, that I recalled the event happening in the first place. I thought it was strange that my head was pounding a bit if I leaned over. It wasn’t until I rubbed that spot on my head that I noticed the large lump that managed to take up residence on my forehead.

A lot of times I’ll notice various bruises on my body, always wondering exactly what I did to cause them to appear. More chances than not, I wind up blanking out on what event occurred to, yet again, cause some form of injury to my body. Perhaps it’s a high pain threshold, I don’t know, but any form of bump or scrape seems to escape me in its origin. Old age perhaps…lol…. Nah, not quite yet.

current mood: sore

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Thursday, July 7th, 2005
9:49 am - My colorful past...
Here is a brief laundry list of the colorful physical mishaps that have plagued my past...

1. I was born breach, with a broken collar bone, and with scoliosis.
2. At a year and a half of age, I hit my head on a shopping cart, gashing my head open pretty good.
3. Sometime around 2 or so, I had an allergic reaction to bubble bath and wound up in the hospital for 4 days.
4. Around 2 and a half, my brother was out playing baseball with my dad, and I walked into him swinging the bat, cracking my forehead open, knocking me out, and requiring 10 stitches.
5. Six weeks later, my baby sitter's dog (giant white husky mix) snarled at me, chased me to the front door (I couldn't reach the screen latch) and ate me face for dinner. The docs reattached the muscles to my left eye, and promptly started sewing my face back up (they stopped counting after 200 stitches).
6. Somewhere in the toddler span of time, 2 or 3 years old, my mom was carrying down our staircase in our dwelling, slipping on the slick carpet (she was only wearing socks on her feet), and we went crashing down the stairs. She broke all her toes in both feet. I was uninjured, but I terrified of staircases, even to this day. I'm so glad I get to run up and down them all day at work).
7. Next few years, occasional stuff, hit in the eye with a baseball, got ran over by a kid on a bicycle, scraped up the entire left side of my face while scooting on a skateboard on my stomach.
8. Gashed a hole in my knee when I was 11. I was playing football with my brother outside, touch football, mind you, and he decided to tackle me. I landed on the corner of the cement, drilling a whole in my knee cap requiring 10 stitches, a shot of heroin while at the hospital because they couldn't get my knee to numb up, and than subsequent heroin withdrawls (boy those are fun).
9. I had a tumor surgically removed from my middle finger on my right hand. It had wrapped itself around a nerve, so the docs removed both the tumor and the nerve. I no longer have feeling in that finger.
10. I got my first bought of walking pneumonia when I was 17 (had it five times now all together). The docs were worried I had meningitis (hell if I can spell that one) and proceeded with doing a spinal tap (I strongly recommend you try to avoid those, worst pain in your life).
11. Tripped while moving when I was 25. I went to step onto the moving ramp of a moving truck while carrying two dresser drawers, and I didn't step up completely, tripped, and my face landed on the dresser drawers. That required 12 stitches in my chin, and lots of weird looks from the docs at the hospital, because my girlfriend at the time, Lauren went in with me and they thought she beat the crap out of me. Not the case.
12. I blew out my left knee, chronically sprained my left ankle, and flattened my left foot while at work doing inventory. My supervisor ordered me to climb a shelf, which I did, and the consequences involved my knee giving out. I sued via workman's comp. The docs repaired one ligament in my knee, but my ACL is still torn. I got a measly $16,000, and lifetime medical on the busted body parts.
13. I had sinus surgery to repair my sinuses which never developed properly after the dog bight.
14. In office procedures involving biopsies on some moles; stitches, and thankfully all results were negative for cancer.
15. Two eye surgeries to try to correct a bad tear duct that was a result of the sinus surgery.
16. A partial hysterectomy in March 2004. We'll just chalk that up to female problems.
17. Another sinus surgery to try to fix my bad tear duct (It's still fucked up).

That is about it and in chronological order. Can you say, "God damn she's a mess".

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Tuesday, June 28th, 2005
7:40 pm - The new routine
Well, I am waking up tomorrow at 5:15am. I decided that it might be in best interest, seeing that I am a bit on the tipsy side, to make myself eat breakfast before I head off to work. Needless to say, I do not have to be a work till 8 am. However, I have to go to Lisa and Chris' to tend to their dog before I head off to the bus stop to catch the bus to work. The bus arrives at 7, which will allow me to arrive at work around 7:40. However, that is in a perfect world, which this is not, obviously. But, I am confident that I will be at work by start time.

Kyrinn offered me a ride to work, however, I am not confident that I can deal with that whole situation as of this moment in time.

God, life does suck...

current mood: sad

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7:16 pm - Life
I have a lot to say... oh so much to say... however, it shall all wait till I am sober and my thoughts are a bit clearer.

current mood: drunk

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Friday, February 25th, 2005
1:19 am - Fatally wounded my ass...
I’ve been doing my best to stay out of everyone’s life but my own. Call me selfish, but it’s what I’ve felt needed to be down in order to move on and progress with my own life. However, there comes a point in time when a line has been crossed and I feel the need to speak my two cents on certain subjects at hand.

Amber’s post has definitely crossed that proverbial line in which I am referring to. Since she will probably block this post, as she has done with all her other, I’ve decided to nicely cut and past it from her journal and you can read it below to take reference to what I am speaking of.

Feb. 24th, 2005

07:29 pm - Fatally wounded

We have people that enter and exit our lives all the time. Some people leave with out warning and we don't want them too, others we push away. And then there are those people that we have mixed feelings about them leaving our lives. We just aren't sure how we will handle letting them go, if we really want to let them go.

We go through this process all the time most often with death, or when we break up with someone. But there are those rare occasions that we have to do it with a friend and that's when it hurts the most.

You have all been reading my post over the past few months about all this immature bullshit drama that has been going on, and yes I will be the first to admit I have taken party to its immature behavior. However, there is a fine line between trying to hurt those who are a party to the crime and, trying to hurt those how have done nothing wrong but simply exist.

Lisa Anne Covington~

If, I sent you an e mail it would most likely get deleted and here I know that you will read it. You win ok! Is that what you want to hear? You win, you hurt me. Finally you got the knife in deep enough that it will never come back out. Now I have gotten to feel like, what it must have felt like for you over these past few years, I have gotten to feel all the pain and the suffering that you had to feel. If those feelings were even real and not just you playing mind games with me because honestly at this point I don't know what to believe, about you anymore. And I don't care; I sit and wonder why every day, every single day, why you have done what you have, why you have treated me like you have. And I can't figure it out, all I ever tried to do was be your friend but that was never good enough for you, it was either all or nothing, and when I told you it wouldn't be that way anymore you dumped me like I was yesterdays trash. I am sorry that I never meant anything to you because you sure in the hell meant a lot to me. But from this point on you will think of me every single day for the rest of your life, but I will never think of you again. No, amount of bashing my girl friend, will ever make you feel better about who you are and what you have become. Because honestly you have become a bitter 40 year old heartless bitch. Who will eventually wind up dieing alone (your greatest fear and if you keep walking this path it will come true) because you will have pushed everyone so far away from you that the darkness will eventually consume you. Don't darken my door step don't message my screen name and run and hide you have something to say to me fucking be an adult don't run and hide, don't call me and play little head games when your girl friend is there either. I once told you I will always love you, and some where in the darkest recesses of my heart there will always be a little glimmer of love for you, a wonder if you will ever change or ever see that there is something wrong. I know you though this post will mean nothing I will simply be a 22 year old fat immature "faking being sick" dyke who never meant a damn thing in your life. I just used you and when I was done I left you, but if you ever sat down and thought about it long and hard and put together all the facts you would see a much different story. I never used you Lisa I loved you, so much so that I was willing to risk a solid relationship to try things over with you but you will never see that, you will always see that I did everything wrong and you can never be in the wrong. You don't deserve Shannon, as much pain in all of this as she has brought me you don't deserve someone as good as her, you will never understand the great thing you have in your life once you discard her like you did, all the rest of us, yeah I am included in that I did the breaking up 3 years ago but you are the one who pushed me out of your life forever. You don't deserve anyone because all you ever want to do is cause as much pain in there life as your father caused in yours, and that will never make you feel better, never! I am done with all of this Lisa, I will stay in contact with your mother and I will stay in contact with Chris and there isn't a damn fucking thing you can do about it. You stay out of my way and I will stay out of yours I have left you alone I have not said anything to you and you have made all the attempts to, speak to me like your cute little text message on V-Day "Have Bloody Valentine". STOP! Leave me alone to live my life; I have given you the courtesy of not bothering you why do you feel the need to ruin my day?

What will never be in your life again!

Amber M. Sheriff

Well, first and foremost I would like to know about all this pain that I’ve caused Ms. Amber Marie Sheriff? Oh, let me guess… my parents. My parents and the fact that I had a life other than you caused so much hardship, pain, and anguish that you just couldn’t see a valuable reason to keep me around. You needed to be away from me so you could spend some quality time with yourself. Well, I hope you are enjoying said quality time.

Amber, I think you need to step back and look at the pain that you’ve caused me. I was not the one that cheated on a consistent basis. Nor was I the one that went around using people for my own benefit. Nor was I the one that flirted with everything that walked on two legs. Let me think. Yeah, I do believe all these qualities belong to you.

Throughout this whole ordeal, you’ve made yourself to look like the good guy. Coming clean and confessing your sins of adultery with the relationship that we once had, trying to make amends with everybody making sure that they are on the same page, but at the same time covering your ass so you are not made out to be this villain. Well, I am all too aware of the primary purpose as to why you suddenly decided to come clean with all of your sins of the past. It was out due to the fact that you suddenly felt the need to clear your conscience; it was to try to drive Lisa and me away from speaking with one another. You have no conscience, therefore how can it something that doesn’t exist need to suddenly be cleansed.

Your little post that I reference to in the above fore mentioned, you crossed the line with that eloquent piece of crap that someone out there might possibly call literature. You have said in your post that you’ve made no contact with Lisa. Well, indirectly you have. Let me explain, because I know that by that comment you are scratching your head, your voice is getting that high pitched shrill that only dogs and the elderly can hear, and you are frothing at the mouth. You have been in consistent contact with Chris, for quite some time now. And, if what I’ve been hearing is correct (and I do believe it is), you’ve been pushing Chris to kick Lisa out of the house. Well, in my book, that is making contact with Lisa, all be it in an indirect manner. Hell, you’ve even tried to make contact with me, all be it in an indirect manner. You’ve tried to get information about my current life either through Jesse or even through my aunt (I like that stunt of you asking her to come join you in newly appointed neck of the woods for cocktails; that was really nice). You cannot leave well enough alone. It eats away at you, and consumes you at the same time.

So, instead, you feel the need to take pot shots at Lisa, or me, or who ever might not give you that big old hug and call you a bosom buddy. You have to consistently have the last word with any conversation. Frankly, I think it’s because you love to hear yourself speak in any fashion possible, whether it be verbally, through gestures, or through the internet. But, than again, you are always right and everyone else is always wrong. Not to mention that everyone around you is just a loyal subject. Hell, you said it yourself in your biography for LJ, you are going to rule us all someday. Amber, please get off your godly thrown and come back down to reality and live like a human being. YOU ARE NOT A GOD. You are a 22 year old control freak that uses anyone and everyone in your life to get what you want. My god, you are my mom. Well, you are…

Ms. Amber, you have definitely crossed the line when you spoke of Lisa and the fact that you feel that all she wants to do is cause as much pain in everyone else’s life and her father caused in hers. Tsk, tsk. Amber, perhaps you should take a step back and think about your own family and the trauma and turmoil that they’ve caused you, namely your own father. Those who live in glass houses should not through stones. Just because you and Lisa didn’t fair so well in your relationship and due to the fact that she doesn’t want to pursue a relationship with you, does not constitute that she is only wanting to cause pain in everyone’s life. Have you not stopped to think that perhaps your relationship didn’t fair so well with her due to the fact that your personalities just didn’t mesh. I’m sure you could list off a billion and one additional reasons why things didn’t work out between the two of you, but that is what you need to step back and realize, things didn’t work out, ergo, move on with your own life. Instead, you need to try to keep everyone in your life that you feel might be of some benefit for you in the future.

Amber you have stated above that you never used Lisa. Well, if memory serves me correct, you did use her on countless occasions. Hmm, let me see. What about the time that you needed your teeth fixed and she paid for you to go to the dentist. What about the countless little other bullshit things that you just had to have and you went to Lisa, asking her for them. Hell, you even went as far as asking Lisa to co-sign for your car. Hell, you even asked her to flat out buy you a car when she bought hers. If that is not using someone, than I don’t know what is. See, these are the little facts that you have a tendency to leave out when you speak so highly of yourself. You do use people, everyday. You through me away because you figured that I would never amount to much and never leave my current situation, therefore I would be worth nothing in terms of helping you out of all your financial jams that will continue to occur in the future.

You’ve consistently inquired as of late about everyone’s relationship during these past few months. Well, guess what. Life has moved on, God, and it’s of no concern to you, therefore, stop inquiring. Instead, you need to focus on your own existence, perhaps learn to be a better person, and stop using everyone around you. You act as though everyone else’s lives are some big conspiracy against you. Everyone else’s lives are just that, their own. Life goes on.

Amber, you are a bitter, 22 year old, heartless bitch that posts fucked up messages as the afore mentioned, because you aren’t getting your way with life, and a few people that have crossed your path in life have decided to walk a different direction away from you. Let everyone else live their life, and you can go right on living yours, using your girlfriend (she is providing you with that roof over your head, away from your grandma, that you’ve always wanted), friends, and family, just like always.

current mood: infuriated

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Monday, February 7th, 2005
5:30 am - I AM DONE!!!!!
I am done with this, with all this bullshit, all of the he said she said crap being passed around. All of this is not worth my loosing my sanity in life. I value my friends, but I'm taking a step back as to who I consider a friend, because of all this petty garbage that is going on. Goodbye, have a nice life, and I'll see all of you in hell.

current mood: pissed off

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Saturday, December 18th, 2004
3:42 pm - My love for Lisa
I need to stop beating around the bush with myself. I think about Lisa, just about every waking moment of everyday, wondering what is she up to, what is she thinking, and when am I going to get a chance to talk to her.

When she called me yesterday, she sounded as though she was almost in tears. I’ve never known Lisa to cry, but I know that she was taking the situation very seriously. She wanted to make sure that I knew that she wasn’t using me as some sort of pawn, and she asked me what my feelings were and what my intentions are. I sent her an email last night telling her that I believe that her intentions are solid and truthful, and that I felt the same way. I really felt bad for her because she sounded as though she was in a lot of emotional pain, and that is the last thing that I want her to have to go through.

The reason that I need to quit beating around the bush with myself, is because I need to get it out, here and now, that I am falling in love with her. I would be a food and lying to myself, if I said that it was just an interest. And that is the weird part. Her and I haven’t had a chance to even see each other, let alone spend time with each other. Yet, I feel like I’ve known her for a lifetime. I’m sad with the notion that we can’t spend time together for another month and a half yet. I’m also scared at the same time. I haven’t had feelings like this in such a long time. Amber and I took forever before we fell in love with each other. So, to find myself harboring feelings for someone, so quickly is just very out of character for me.

However, I know that she is wanting this to go very slowly. She doesn’t want anyone to get hurt, if something does go astray. I do not want anyone to get hurt either, yet I don’t want to have to hide what I am feeling our of fear of coming off as pushy or anything like that. I love this woman. I go to sleep every night, but only after glancing at her picture, dreaming for the day that I can pick her up from the airport and give her a huge hug. I’m hoping that she’ll get a chance tonight to respond to my email that I sent her. We shall see.

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1:40 pm - Is this really neccessary?
I'm just sitting here waiting for a computer to back up, killing time with my thoughts, music blaring in my ears, racing in my mind, as usual. No surprise there. Of course, at the same time, I have my mom hovering around me, trying to peer onto my screen, in attempts of finding out what I am doing, what I am writing. Situation normal; all fucked up.

Never the less, I still sit here pouring out my thoughts, in some sort of futile attempt to clear my mind. Hey perhaps it will help for a while.

I am really happy with my life. Is it perfect? Hell no. But, it is significantly better than it has been in quite some time. I feel as though I’m getting opportunity to start over, change a little about who I am, and at the same time, get my personality back. I’ve really felt stifled for probably about a year now, not realizing what it had done to my personality. I found myself just going with the flow and doing whatever I had to in attempts to keep the peace. I’d lie and do whatever was necessary, just to make everyone around me happy. This is not me, not who I am, and not the person that I want to be in the future. Some lies have been told here in the very recent past, all done, as usual to protect those involved. However, I realized it’s a lose-lose situation and whether I am honest or lying, people are going to get hurt. There is nothing I can about it and if someone does get hurt, I’m sorry, but tough shit, that’s life and I’m sure you will get over it.

I’ve been hunting for work, fast and furiously. I had an interview a few days ago that seemed to go really well. It’s for a company that is willing to train me for 8 months, paying me a healthy sum of money, and the benefits package is the best I’ve heard of. Hopefully, they’ll let me know Monday, and we’ll go from there. They have offices nationwide, so perhaps I’ll be able to move to another office in the future as well. We shall see.

My parents know that I am trying to get the hell out of their house as soon as humanly possible. My mom and I wound up having the argument from hell, and thankfully, I won. So it is very clear that I’m not going to be here much longer, if things work out the way the way that I’m pushing for. I still do not know where I’ll move to, but I really need to get away from here, so they don’t continue to stifle my life as well.

Yes, Lisa and I have been talking. I can’t remember a day when we haven’t talked, in some form or another. I know that everyone sees this as being the oddest thing in history, but we’ve become very close none the less. It may seem like fighting a fire with fire in comparison to the odd appearance that this has. Her and I have been mortal enemies since Amber and I met. However, the one and only reason that her and I hated each other so much was due to one thing: jealousy. We’ve talked about this, extensively, and it really was stupid for us to have hated each other for so long.

Contrary to popular belief, we rarely talk about Amber and the connection of her, between the two of us. We talk about everything under the sun, from how the day went for us, to work, to thoughts and feelings, to current events; everything. We’ve talked about goals and dreams for the future and what it is we are looking for in life. Everyone passes through our lives for a reason, I’ve always been a firm believer in that concept. We have no clue as to why we have become so close, other than a general interest in one another. She’s planning on coming out this way in February, to spend some vacation time. That’s the funny part, that is how we started talking. She mentioned to me that she was planning on coming out here in January/February, and she wanted to know if I’d pick her up from the airport. I didn’t know if she was serious or just kidding around, but I told her “Sure”. I told her that if she came out toward the end of the month, that I’d even offer up the spare room for her. We’ve just continued on ever since.

There are no plans to ambush anyone and there is no way that she would harm anyone. I know that Jesse and Travis have voiced their thoughts to Amber, and there is a large group of people that want her to get a restraining order against Lisa. This is ridiculous. Clearly, Amber doesn’t know Lisa like she thinks she does, if she is that scared of Lisa. My god, I hardly know Lisa at all, and I know deep down inside, that she wouldn’t hurt a fly. That would be like my saying that I would harm Amber. It’s just not going to happen. If anything, all Lisa wants, and I would like this as well, if for all of us to get together when we can, and talk about everything, like adults. We can all get together in some form of public setting, and just talk. I don’t see how this will cause any harm.

Why is Lisa so angry? Lisa has her reasons and I think she’s entitled to them. I have my reasons for being angry as well. Granted everyone keeps stating that I am the only one that deserves to be angry. Wrong, I think anyone directly or indirectly involved with this whole mess has their rights to be angry, sad, happy, or whatever. There is no reason that everyone should push their feelings aside and pretend that they don’t have a take on what is going on with life.

This whole thing can appear to be quite childish. Yes, I agree with that. But, you know what, if people are angry, and I think they have every right to vent those frustrations however they please. Personally, yeah I am pissed. I do put the vast majority of the blame on Amber and I also have to put some of the blame on Lisa (her current girlfriend, for those of you playing along). It takes two to tango. If you two truly think that you didn’t see this coming long before Amber broke up with me, you are lacking in some intelligence. I saw it the night we all met.

“Why didn’t you say anything?” I can hear those words now, in a high pitched, somewhat angry voice. Think about it, would it have really mattered. People are going to do whatever it is they feel like doing, and my voicing my thoughts weren’t going to do any good, other than waste perfectly good oxygen.

Personally, although yes I am still angry with the whole situation, I’m actually thankful that she broke up with me. I’ve been able to feel more like myself once again, and I feel as though life is certainly getting better, as everyday passes. I am very happy right now, and I know that it’s just going to get better.

current mood: productive

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Monday, December 13th, 2004
7:54 pm - A war of words
A torn jacket is soon mended; but hard words bruise the heart of a child. - Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Words can have a tremendous impact on life. They, at times, can be more intense than actions themselves. I’ve often thought about the affects of abuse, physical abuse versus verbal abuse, and which one would have a longer lasting impact on life in general. Personally, I’ve never been subjected to any harsh forms of physical abuse. Sure, I got spanked as a child a few times, but most of the population has experienced that. Therefore, my thoughts and opinions on this subject are a bit one-sided. However, I have experienced the harsh realities that words can have on a person, and the consequences as to which they can cause.

Perhaps, I’m different than most, but a person’s spoken/written words have an intense impact on my life. I can sit here and dwell on conversations that could have been had a few minutes ago, as well as thinking about conversations from years ago. I don’t necessarily remember each and every word, but I do remember the impact that the conversation as a whole had on me. The spoken and written words of a man can express so much more than actions themselves. They can convey attitude, intelligence, and most of all emotions. Words can describe feelings and thoughts, dreams and ambitions. However, at the same time, words can express anger, hatred, sadness, sorrow, truths, and lies. Words can cause stress and they can also cause general happiness.

Conversations that were expressed today have caused a number of thoughts to float into my head. Conversations of anger and distrust, versus conversations of encouragement and trust, this is what I’ve dealt with today. Meanwhile, at the same time, I have to deal with the ordinary issues of life, but at the same time, the words are floating around in my head like a small vessel lost at sea in a large storm. The words swarm around in my head, almost crashing into each other; a war of words and I’m judge, jury, and executioner. Everything can be so confusing, but the only way that I’ve found to deal with it all is through my heart and soul; a gut feeling I suppose. My heart has told me what the truth is, and if you can’t trust your own instincts, than you shouldn’t be loose in society.

The truth is a hard thing to swallow, but so are lies. I’m amazed at how people can use lies as a form of manipulation; lies expressed with the everyday words of life. Manipulators are out to do whatever it takes to get what they want in life, and it doesn’t matter who they hurt along the way. But, the words are what really sting. You spend a lot of time, building up trust in someone, but than you turn around and realize that their words are crap, and they are just trying to control you.

Love is a common staple that everyone wants to achieve in life. Mankind was not meant to go through life alone; therefore we continuously seek out that special someone that will travel through life with you. You fall in love with someone and you put all your trust in them. However, as many people have said throughout life, love is blind. People that you love can use that love as a form of manipulation. “Love you lots.” I’ve heard this many times here in the recent past, and all I can do is sit back and scratch my head, because I feel that it’s being used as a form of manipulation rather than in a truthful manner; trying to keep you strung along, just in case.

The words can haunt you and confuse you. Words can cause paranoia and intrigue, all at the same time. Words can haunt you, almost like a bad dream haunts you night after night, disrupting your waking moments as well as though meant for rest. All one can do, though, is try to get past those words, and push them aside, in order to prevent yourself from going insane.

There is no reason for people to keep the truth from others, due to the fact that lies, in the end, just cause more grief than what it’s worth.

current mood: drained

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Wednesday, December 1st, 2004
10:52 pm - Intelligence
I’ve received a few comments as of late in regards to some of the journal entries that I’ve posted on LiveJournal and also in regards to life in general. I’ve been sitting here, contemplating those comments and how they relate to my life in general. Life, I’ve noticed through my interaction with friends, family, and acquaintances, can be very deceiving and a person’s intelligence can be deceiving as well, both to one’s self and to those around them.

While venturing through elementary school, high school, and through my first four years of college, I never appreciated the art of learning. Perhaps, appreciation is not the proper word that I should use here to describe my thoughts; perhaps, maturity is a better description. I was an average student and never really seemed to fit in. I struggled with any form of math, chemistry class was a joke for me, and I found out, although way too late, in my senior year of high school that I suffered from dyslexia. My dyslexia is not horrible in nature, but it is an odd form, in the sense that I don’t see things backwards, like a lot of people have, but I have issues seeing vowels when I’m reading and writing. You know, those wonderful letters, a, e, i, o, u. For some reason, my brain has issues visualizing them. I’ve also noticed that I get a few letters mixed up; b and d, p and q, but it’s not as big of an issue. By the time that I was diagnosed, the counselor at my school told me that I’ve pretty much learned on my own how to deal with it and it’s something that I should take into consideration, but it shouldn’t be a huge hindrance in life.

My four years of college, art school, were a joke. My first year of school, I spent drunk 99% of the time. I didn’t really take my education too seriously and by the time that I graduated, I was so sick of illustration, it took me 4 years to pick up a paintbrush again.

It’s only been in the last five years that I’ve really become interested in bettering and motivating myself to continue on with my education. My 18 months that I spent acquiring my A.S. degree (this time in Information Technology for those that are writing a handbook themselves) I took very seriously. I spent, what seemed like, every waking moment with a book and notepad in front of me, trying to absorb as much information as I possibly could. Whatever I couldn’t learn from a book or an instructor at my school, I would find myself looking around on the internet, in effort of answering the questions that rang in my head like a bell. I graduated last January with my A.S. degree, a fistful of computer certifications, and a 3.98 GPA. Even now, I still find myself trying to learn as much as I can.

All these things are fine and dandy. However, when it comes to some of the ordinary things that people encounter in life, I’m dumb as a stump. Perhaps, having a sheltered childhood, has had a profound affect on having common sense. I really can’t answer the question of why I’m so challenged with the typical occurrences of life. A good for instance involves the fact that I have a hard time “reading” the people around me. A person can tell me something and in other person would be able see right through them. I, on the other hand, have issues reading people, and it takes me a long time to formulate the proper thoughts about them. And with that, I run into the issue of getting burned if I can’t come to a conclusion in a timely enough fashion. Perhaps my thoughts of them are clouded by love, emotion, or just everyday life? This is a problem that I’ve been dealing with for quite a few years now, and I actually thought, all be it for about a minute, that I was getting better at figuring people out. But yeah, my latest adventure in the realm of dating didn’t fair so well, and I did get burned, BAD, in the end.

People have asked me from time to time, why do I sit when there is a group of people around me, so quietly, not saying a word. I use that time to observe those around me, watching them, listening to them, and trying to ingest as much about them as humanly possible. However, a lot of times I put that information that I collect in the back of my head, deep in my subconscious, and forget it is there. When it comes time to dig that information back up, by then, a lot of times it’s far too late and the proverbial damage is done. Meanwhile, bad habits are repeated over and over again, and life’s lessons are never learned.

When it comes to the topic of life’s lessons, there is so much more that I need to learn. I travel through life, day by day, trying to learn something to help me better navigate life’s battles, and become a more intelligent person, a person with more common sense. I do not want to go out and party, get in to trouble or anything along those lines. However, I would like to continue with life in an effort to try to learn from my mistakes and become more in touch with myself and the people around me.

I can sit here and write in an articulate fashion, expressing my thoughts, opinions, and theories. I can answer questions to many mindless facts that someone might ask, or at least I can research and find the answer, if it’s unknown. However, figuring out what makes the human mind tick, is a far larger challenge, perhaps by the time my life has ended, I will have a better grasp of mankind, and life won’t be quite so challenging. Life can be so cruel.

current mood: contemplative

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Saturday, November 27th, 2004
9:48 pm
To all this may concern:

I DO NOT KNOW HOW THE SCREEN NAME WAS GIVEN OUT! Believe it or not, but there are ways to find out information on other people, including screen names. Perhaps other people were consulted, perhaps accounts were broken in to, or perhaps there are god-like people out in the world that just know everything. I DO NOT KNOW. Therefore, quit questioning me, quit accusing me, just quit!!!!! I DO NOT WANT TO BE INVOLVED AND I WANT IT TO REMAIN THAT WAY!!!!



Yes, I'm getting a bit pissed off.

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Sunday, November 14th, 2004
11:06 pm - A conversation
Disclaimer: I've decided to repost this journal entry for various reasons, all of which are too lengthy to discuss at this exact moment in time. However, the cliff's notes version is this: I don't give a shit if someone's feelings get hurt. These are my thoughts, feelings, and theories and I shouldn't have to sensor them for any reason. I welcome any feedback that anyone might have. Please feel free to leave comments (please include your name so I know who I'm talking to) and I will respond to them forth-with.
Happy reading!

I wake up every morning, to start off the day which involves the same repetitious actions, day after day. I roll out of bed at 7:15, make my bed, stumble into the kitchen to grab a bottle of water, stand in the kitchen for a few minutes, etc. During the day, it may vary, depending on what is going on. However, even that involves the same actions, over and over again. There are no days off, no days to myself. Everyday of the week is the same.

I sit here thinking about the repetitious nature of my life as it has been played out these past four years, thinking about the past, the memories, and the dreams. The one emotion that comes to me the most, lately, is an overwhelming sadness, paralyzing sadness. My sadness is due to my thoughts and memories about the past, and the fact that the past is just that, the past, and the here and now, the everyday mundane things that I do in life absolutely suck. With the past drifting away, so do my dreams, floating away as though they were just big puffy clouds dissipating in the sky. With my dreams ending, my life has ended.

Everyone says that life will get better, it moves on, and tomorrow is a new day. But what happens when you seem to live the same day over and over again. There is nothing to look forward to when I wake up every morning and I can’t wait to go to sleep every night. My relationship use to give me the energy to trudge through every day, looking forward to the next time we could get together, but that’s over. She has decided that I have too many faults, and the stress of these faults is too much for her to deal with, as she is dealing with her own life. She decided that she needed to be single and go about all this alone. Funny, how things seem to formulate into a distrustful lie.

Sure, everyone says “Oh, someone else will come into your life when you least expect it. It just takes time. Don’t look for them, they’ll find you.” I’ve tried taking this advice, and I’ve also tried looking, and both are unsuccessful. Others say to take up a hobby, and perhaps I’ll meet someone that way. I’m sorry, but hobbies are just a temporary distraction from the ills of life. Yeah, I know, Shannon is just sitting here having a pitty party. Boo hoo. This is my life though, and these are my thoughts and feelings; this is what I live with everyday.

“You need to find someone more like yourself, more on your level.” Yeah, well, what are they going to do knock on my door? I think not.

As I sit here and recall the past, a huge issue that comes to mind is the nagging feeling of being used. My past relationships all differed in various ways. Everyone that I was involved with all had different quirks, making them unique. But, I guess what is a sticking point with me are my two longest relationships. It’s with these two relationships that I felt very used, however in extremely different ways.

Lauren felt the need to use me to provide her with a roof over her head. That is what she considered a relationship. Meanwhile, she felt the need to invite in whomever she pleased to live under the roof as well, all of which I had to provide for as well. And it was with them that she tried to see if they could, in some way, provide her a better relationship and fill in the blank spots that were missing in ours. I literally only saw her for a few hours a day, cause she decided to stay up all night and sleep during the day, as a way to avoid me. Our relationship ended, and we continued to live together up until I started dating someone else, and she got jealous. She tried everything, including trying to lure me back into a relationship, but I had made up my mind and asked her to move out. Her and I have only spoken a couple of times ever since. I was used for room and board.

Amber was different. With Amber I was used as a temporary distraction on the road of life. Amber split up with me back in February, went to Florida to see her ex girlfriend Lisa, slept with her, realized they weren’t meant to be, came back home, and BOOM, her and I were back together. One thing that I have noticed when it comes to Amber, she has these vinyl pants that I have named her “going out to impress and get me a new girlfriend pants”, and when she wears them she is generally flirting with someone, whomever the potential victim might be. I’ve noticed it happen over our time together. She flirted with Michelle, with Professor Powers, Kate, and than with Lisa. Michelle, Professor Powers, and Kate were washouts, but Lisa took the bait, and with that, my company is no longer needed.

My job is not up to par, I’m not in my own apartment, and I’m not exactly wealthy; all of these things weren’t satisfactory with Amber. My relationship with my parents was also a huge stumbling block. My independence got under her skin, although she said she admired me for how independent I was in taking on tasks and concluding them without intervention from others. We were unable to stand by each other’s side and I was not able to spend time with her every single day of the week, therefore her eye wondered looking for my replacement. When it’s all told, I was used for companionship, due to Amber’s codependence.

The past few years I’ve been consistently and repeatedly told that I appear to always be thinking and I need to open up and share my thoughts and feelings. I wasn’t necessarily thinking. Rather I was observing; observing the people around me and their personality, emotions, and actions. The funny thing is that lately, all I am doing is thinking and questioning. I am first to admit that I am slow on the draw when it comes to making conclusions in my life and with the people around me. Unfortunately, my conscious and subconscious seem to constantly be in a power struggle and refuse to communicate with each other. Therefore, the light bulb is slow to illuminate and my thought process is slow and drawn out. This is something that has plagued me my entire life, and person after person has pointed it out to me. I guess you can say that it’s a character flaw, and something that is unable to be repaired. Hey, I’m human.

Thinking, though, as I said, is all I seem to do lately. My thought processes have caused my heart to way heavy and they seemed to have consumed me in my every day existence. I have been thinking about everything, from my schooling, to my foregone relationship, to my family, to my very existence in this god-forsaken world. I find myself staring off, lost in my thoughts, as though I was in a trance. I don’t speak much when it comes to my social interaction. Spoken words are almost painful. My one conclusion that I can come to is that I am angry. All the pain that I’m holding inside is being released as anger. My pain is so intense and my anger is so rabid, that I can’t even shed a tear, which is very unlike me. I’ve been known to be a very emotional person, but my emotions have been locked down and all I can feel is pain and subsequent anger. I’m 31 years old and I have nothing to show for my life. Everything is gone, taken away from me, and I am angry. Sure, I can strive and relinquish myself with material possessions, perhaps a better job, a girlfriend, but what happens when all those things are just striped away again? What do I do than? I’d have to go through this bullshit all over again. Why bother.

Amber has caused a lot of my recent pain and anger. She asked me to be patient with her and to give her space, to let her get her thought processes in order, as she deals with her illness. I was patient and gave her the space that she requested. Meanwhile, she was using that time to replace me in her relationship. She broke up with me, and immediately was in the arms of the other woman. She told me that she didn’t know that this was going to happen, and it wasn’t her intention. I believe she knew what she was doing, all along, but didn’t want to admit it. Amber knows what is doing every moment of every day. She gave me on opportunity to talk to her the next day, after she broke up with me, and I declined to do so at that moment in time, due to the fact that I was just trying to deal with what had happened. Due to the fact that particular moment came and went, she is avoiding discussing anything with me. She’s moved on, therefore, my thoughts, feelings, and very existence no longer matters. I am angry and I need to express this anger to her, and she can’t afford the time to sit and listen to my thoughts and feelings. It’s much easier to hide, than face reality.

She has expressed that she has needed time and still needs more. The pendulum keeps swinging, time ticking away minute by minute, and I don’t think the time will ever come. Therefore, I sit her and write this. If I can’t speak with her privately, expressing my thoughts and feelings, than a public forum will have to suffice. I sit here, writing and thinking, and I will let the entire world know about the aspects that make Shannon, Shannon.

I was always a believer in being in love. I am a very devoted person with whomever I am in love with, willing to stick it out through thick and thin, trying to make things work. Amber expressed herself as being in love with me, her ideals of love seem very different here in the end. I don’t see how if someone is in love, they can just drop that person like a bad habit and move on to someone new. How does that happen? Perhaps, she never was in love with me, and her words and expressions were just a ruse? Or, perhaps her love for me ended some time ago, and she was unwilling to go at life alone, therefore she searched for my replacement? Perhaps, she is just the type of person to bounce around in life, as lesbians typically do? All I know is, my faith and trust in Amber is gone and I would have a very hard time believing anything that she told me right now. I’m not even sure that Amber knows what she wants, nor will she ever.

Trust? Yeah, that’s another big issue that haunts me as I travel through life. Trust in mankind is not something that I deal out lightly, and I take the issue of trust very seriously. My trust in people has hurt me many times in the past; therefore, it takes me a long time to learn to trust people that come into my life. There are few people walking this earth that I can honestly say I have trust in. I don’t even trust my own family, now how sad is that? Although, it took me some time, I learned to put my trust in Amber, and I trusted her with my life. Alas, I have wound up hurt again, walking around like a wounded dog, dragging a bad leg. How was Amber’s trust broken? I trusted in her love for me, trusting her that we would always try to work things out. Instead, my leg is bit off and I am left to hobble around, angry and trying to deal with my wounds. I trusted her with my love, with my soul. Instead, that is taken from me and shattered into tiny fragments, with the inability to be repaired. I am left to wonder around broken and shattered.

The one thought that comes to mind is the fact that there is no one out their in the world that knows how I’m feeling or what I’m going through. They are not walking in my shoes. Sure, they’ve perhaps experienced something similar, but you are not me, and you don’t know how I’m feeling; you don’t know my thoughts. Jesse has sat and listened to me bitch, piss, and moan, but he has not been able to really understand what I’m going through, through I do appreciate him letting me vent. He’s been a sweetheart. I’ve vented to others, as well, but again, they are not me, nor do they know my pain. Amber can’t even understand my pain. All I want is for the pain to end. Sure, everyone says it will end in time. Will it? How can they say that it will end, how can they be so sure? They are not me. They don’t know my sadness and anger.

I’ve been told that I am not acting like myself. How is a person suppose to act when they are hurting, when their dreams are dashed and their heart is ripped out, shattered beyond recognition? I tried to handle our breakup with dignity at first, but there is no way to handle this situation with any semblance of dignity. If I continued to try to put on this dignified front, I would be lying to myself and the world around me, and that is not the type of person that I am. How can you be dignified with all of this happening? Instead, I sit here with my head pounding from a migraine, staring at the words on my computer screen, writing about my emotions and thinking about the dignity that can’t be justified with this situation or perhaps, life in general.

A thought just came to me, perhaps it would be better labeled as a memory, although not a good memory now that I put it into context with life as it stands now. Amber and I both met Lisa at the same place, one of Nicole’s Velveeta Cheese Theater gatherings. I had quite a bit to drink that night, but I do recall the conversation that Amber and I had while on our way home from the party. Amber had noticed that Lisa had been really staring at her all night long, and was paying a lot of attention to Amber. Amber was really worried about how Nicole would react to this, due to the fact that Nicole was very concerned about Amber and Lisa meeting each other, due to the fact that Amber has this way of stealing people, or girlfriends in a more narrowed look at it. Amber was really chomping at the bit about the fact that Lisa seemed so interested in her, repeatedly talking about the subject that night, as well as over the next few days, as though Amber was really excited over this thought. I raised an eyebrow at the time to Amber’s intrigue with Lisa, but I am all too aware of the fact that I can never compete with whatever it is that Amber wants. One thing that I’ve realized over the past two and half years, is that whatever Amber wants, Amber gets and it doesn’t matter who or what is in the way. Also along with that realization comes the fact that I’ve noticed Amber gets bored after a length of time.

Well why didn’t you ever say anything? I know that question is coming to everyone’s mind right about now. Well, let me explain why I didn’t say anything. I brushed off the whole notion due to the fact that I had so much trust and faith in Amber. I guess that trust and faith caused me to turn a blind eye to the whole possibility. I think my love for Amber is what has caused me to turn a blind eye to a lot of things that I saw falter in our relationship. I also think a lot of my blindness is because of the fact that I don’t believe in changing people. I accept my friends and family for who they are and I would hope that I would get that same respect back. I accepted Amber for who she was and for her word of faithfulness when it came to our monogamous relationship. She always told me that she is just looking, when it comes to her eyeing other women, and I believed her; I had faith and trust in her. What a sucker I was.

Amber had made the comment at one point in time after the gathering at Nicole’s that night. Her comment was that Amber couldn’t understand why it is that two lesbians can’t be in the same room without having sex or people thinking that they were having sex. Personally, I think that Amber looks at every lesbian she meets or comes into contact with and sums them up as relationship potential candidates. Hell, she even does it with straight women. Like I said earlier, I saw this same behavior when Amber first met Kate. Amber tried and tried to get Kate to hook up with her, or at least raise an eyebrow to her, but Kate wouldn’t do it and saw right through Amber’s bullshit and saw Amber for who she really was. Amber even went as far as telling me that she thought Kate was really attractive and she was practically drooling when she informed me of this. Amber tried to impress Kate, in any and every way she could, even introducing Kate to Mindy. For that very reason that Kate saw how fake that Amber was, I have a lot of respect for Kate.

Amber is not completely evil, though. There are many aspects to Amber that I do have to show her a little respect for. She has this ability to strike up a conversation with anyone, and next thing you know, they are the best of friends and talk like they’ve known each other for a lifetime. She is also a very intelligent person, though not brilliant. I have yet to meet absolute brilliance in any I’ve met, lord knows I’m no were near brilliant. She wants to learn more when it comes to life, but I don’t foresee her doing it through the methods of traditional schooling. I don’t think she has the patience to deal with school. She is too much of a perfectionist with her grades, and talks about taking classes over and over again, seeking out the perfect grade. Perhaps, she got some of those attitudes from me, as I went through school, acting like a lunatic striving for perfection. I don’t know.

Amber, I think is a loving person. She is very sweet and she was very caring as I’ve gone through various surgeries and what not in the past. Perhaps, that is her way of showing love. But, I don’t think she was in love with me. I think she had too many open ended questions when it came to our relationship to allow herself to fully love me, in a deep heart-felt way. Amber extremely loves her friends. This I do know. However, I don’t think I want to stick around and continue to be loved in that way.

Amber’s anger and raised octave in her voice is another way she shows love. It’s her way of showing love. She wouldn’t do it unless she loved that person she was speaking with. Amber’s anger, although she said that is just how she is, scared me. Her anger will always ring like a bell in heart and head, till the end of my days. She is a very intimidating person, especially when she gets that overly excited tone in her voice, and the anger starts to become apparent to those around her. She says she is not angry, but I don’t think she really knows what it sounds like to be standing on the outside and listening to her, when she gets in one of those moods. I think that is a good part of the reason why I never spoke up much, when I was in her presence, or at times even spoke at all. I was always afraid of the high pitched shrill that her voice would get when she would get angry or agitated about a thought that I might have. Therefore, I basically stopped thinking, and that is the honest to god’s truth. I’m able to stop thinking, instead replacing thought processes with stuff like everyday tasks and chores. It was much safer that way, and caused a lot less drama in our lives.

Amber talked about how she hated to be alone, cause then she would be alone with her thoughts. I think the ability to sit and be alone is an art form. There are so many people out there in the world that are co-dependent by nature. They can’t stand to be alone and always need someone to be with them, by their side, or at least near-by. I’ve met many co-dependent individuals as I’ve traveled through life and they are an interesting breed of human being. Kristina was co-dependent and hers was so bad it drove her into therapy, during the time span when we were close. Amber is co-dependent as well and always told me that if we moved in together that Jesse would come with us. She’s also spoken of following Jesse if he was to move. Amber, at least from what I’ve seen and heard, has seemed to move on past the “dragging Jesse along for the ride stage”, and has seemed to consume herself with Lisa. But, than again, my perception could be far-fetched.

I once thought that I was co-dependent myself, fearing the thought of being and living alone. Those theories were quickly nipped in the bud, so to speak, as I’ve spent a lot of time by myself, both living alone, and staying here alone from time to time. I think my fear of co-dependence has caused me to be overly independent in nature. I don’t like the thought of having to rely on someone else, and I’ve had to rely on people in my life far too much, running around looking for monetary handouts and the mere fact of my parents having to take care of me while I was recuperating with my knee injuries. When I do move out, I want to make sure that I can do so without having to come back and look for handouts. I want to make sure that I am comfortable with life again, and my injuries aren’t going to be a deterrent to my being able to move on with life.

Moving on with life is a difficult struggle with the overwhelming depression that has taken over a large chunk of my life. I’ve been taking Welbutrin for about a week now, in hopes to quit smoking as well as trying to get a handle on my depressed mood. I really haven’t noticed much with it tackling my depression, though it is helping with the smoking situation. A good for instance occurred last night. I went to sleep at 7 pm and I didn’t wake up till 8 this morning, and that was without taking any type of sleep aids. Thirteen hours of sleep as a diversion in dealing with life. I had planned on going out to the coffee shop, to sit and write, but sleep seemed like a better distraction. My mother had yelled at me the day before about the fact that my attitude has been less than perfect, but I just blew it off. My depression is something that no one will understand, least of all my own parents. They would think that it’s just because Amber and I broke up, but that is only a small chunk into what has been eating away at me lately. A large part of me just wants to be left alone, yet that seems like something that is impossible in my life.

Amber talked about how I was and still is when of her best friends that she’s ever had. I’ve always been of the mindset that best friends are able to talk to each other about the deepest, darkest issues in life. I can’t do that with her. She can’t just sit and be a friend, listening and understanding what other people are going through. Instead, she yells and gets angry, giving her opinion and wanting you do go through the motions of whatever her opinion is. Again, it tells you something about Amber’s controlling nature. I just don’t foresee us ever being like that.

Life is too complicated and I’ve really thought about the notion of going at it alone. I think I’d rather not be here, rather than going at it alone. It would be much easier that way, and I would less of a burden on the people around me. Jesse has listened to me go on and on, but he is not able to give me much feedback. I don’t think anyone could give me any feedback. I was hoping that Amber could, but yeah. Instead, this is the conversation that I wanted to have with her, but she was still needing time to sort things out herself, and doesn’t really have time for me. So, I sit her and write aimlessly, almost composedly, hoping that this will make me feel a bit better, able to move on with my life. Perhaps, it will have the profound impact that I am looking for. Perhaps, it won’t. I guess I’m looking for answers to a lot of questions, but I don’t those questions will ever be answered, not even with time.

Morning will come before I know it. 7:15… Yet, another day of the same, the same thing, at the same place, with the same people, and nothing to look forward to in the future, other than another dawn.

current mood: pessimistic

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Wednesday, November 3rd, 2004
10:29 am - A Good Question
So, Carli sent me an email yesterday morning, continuing are on going discussion that we've been having for a short while now. She included a comment and question that required a little thought.

I thought I'd include it here as a reference for myself and whomever happens to read this.

So someone once said to me...well it seems you know what you don't want, but do you know what you want? So that is my question to you...do you know what you want?

Yeah, I’m pretty set with what I want in regards to a relationship. My ideal match would be a woman who has a relaxed personality. There are a lot of people out in the world that are either control freaks or either way too timid. I have a relaxed personality myself, so I want to meet someone that would be my equal. This woman would have a good natured, happy-go-lucky personality and isn’t constantly roaming around life with a chip on their shoulder and thusly having fits of extreme anger. She would know where she wants to go in life and has some set goals/plans for life. This person would be intelligent, with the ability to teach me as I would be able to teach her; teaching each other about the little insignificant details of life. A good attitude and sense of humor is a must in what ever manner that comes about. Personally, my sense of humor, as you’ve noticed puts my in he category of being a smartass, although my sense of humor can come off as being odd at times. This person would love their family and friends, as I do. This person would be a good conversationalist, being able to talk about anything. She would be able to adapt well to whatever situations arise. She would having a loving and caring attitude, and yet be independent as well. Looks wouldn’t be a vital trait, as I judge a person by their personality, more than anything else. A must would involve that she would stay away from harsh drugs; a dream would be that she has never used meth, cocaine, or anything of that nature. I would hope that she would not be mentally unstable, ie. a manic depressed person. I would hope that she would care about her health and her body, her soul and her mind. I hope that she would be able to have fun with life.

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Thursday, October 28th, 2004
9:17 pm - I had to chuckle
So, I was at the grocery store this evening and I overheard a lady standing behind me talking to her kids, or someone's kids. The point is that they were kids. They had to be about 7 or so, the kids that is. This one girl was staring at all of the lovely impulse-buy type candy off to the side of the aisle. The little girl was eying the "Fun Dip" candy and asked the lady if she could get that. The lady asked her if she was sure, since "that particular item is full of sugar. Are you sure you don't want some M&M's instead" I had to chuckle out loud. What the hell do you think M&M's consist of? Vegetables?

The stupidity that is running around in society is positively frightening sometimes. And to think, these people are aloud to breed without a license. I am a strong, firm believer that all people should have to take a test and acquire a license in order to engage in the act of reproducing children. We need to take several tests in order to operate a motor vehicle in accordance with our state laws. Raising children is a much more dangerous duty to undertake. What are people thinking?

current mood: shocked

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Wednesday, October 27th, 2004
9:06 pm - Look around you
I heard this song on the TV show "Lost" and I thought the lyrics were cool.

Oh, look around you
Look down the bar from you
The lonely faces that you see
Are you sure that this is where you want to be

These are your friends
But are they real friends
Do they love you the same as me
Are you sure that this is where you want to be

You seem in such a hurry to live this kind of life
You've caused so many tears and misery

Look around you, take a good look
And tell me what you see
Are you sure that this is where you want to be

Don't let my tears persuade you, I had hoped I wouldn't cry
But lately, teardrops seem a part of me

Oh, look around you, take a good look
At all the lonely used-to-be's
Are you sure that this is where you want to be

It sort of applies to life as it stands, except the tears are flowing.

current mood: impressed

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